So today... I visited the men's bible study from Dongshin Church's English Ministry, which was held at SJ's place near the Kyeongbuk University Hospital. I knew I was going to run late because it was already almost 8pm, and I hadn't eaten dinner with the homestay family yet. After a 해장국 for dinner with my host-mom and host-bro, I left the apartment. Taking a cab was definitely the fastest option, but I decided to take my time and take a short walk down to 신천역, which is only a stone's throw away from our apartment complex. 1 transfer, and 5 subway stops later, I was finally in the neighborhood - when I saw a Paris Baguette.
"I'd better buy a gift for them, since it's my first time visiting," I thought to myself.
By the time I arrived, it was already 9pm, 1 hour late, and a friendly Caucasian male who introduced himself as "Nate" opened the door for me. We shook hands and I explained that I had visited the church for the first time the prior Sunday. After taking off my shoes, I stepped inside a cozy living room packed with 4 other White dudes, 1 on a couch and 3 on the ground, who were in the thick of a discussion about Jesus and the Gospel of Mark.
They handed me a packet that was perhaps a commentary on the book of Mark, I shook hands with the one nearest me, "Danny", and made myself comfortable as I skimmed through the portion of the packet they were discussing. I thought it was interesting that they didn't pause the conversation for brief introductions, but then again, I was an hour late, and it was probably better not to lose momentum on this talk.
The pastor provided some thoughtful discussion questions, while the others responded in ways that I'm not sure quite answered the question, as much as providing answers that helped them to organize their faith life mentally.
They discussed stories about Jesus - his parables, his miracles, etc.
One guy, whose name I can't recall, had a British accent of some sort, looked to be in his mid 40s, and was rattling off apologetics, talking about how the Bible was written by eye-witnesses, providing commentary the parable of the talents, and going on and on - using a logic that I had grown accustomed to through the countless sermons that I heard over the years. Perhaps the reasoning was there, but I couldn't help playing devil's advocate in my mind the whole time.
My neighbor on the floor, Danny, while an intelligent fellow, was clearly not as versed on the Bible, and was responding with "oh, really?"s, "I didn't know that"s, and "that's really interesting"s.
Sean and Nate provided bits of humor every so often to keep the subject feeling light. Soon, SJ arrived, too. He was gone somewhere running errands, and it was great to see him. He's Korean and an MK (Missionary's Kid), and it totally shows. He's such a nice guy, always smiling, genuinely interested in what you're talking about.
I was listening, mulling things over in my mind. Convincing myself that I didn't need to contribute to the discussion unless there was something that I really wanted to say.
Suddenly, the pastor points out a passage in the commentary on Mark that talks about Jesus' crucifixion, and his famous quote: "My G-d, my G-d, Why have you forsaken me?" It pointed out the humanity of Jesus and juxtaposed his dying moment with other famous people like Socrates, who was apparently much at peace before his death. Why was Jesus, who was so determined in his mission, so broken and separated from G-d the moment before he was about to finish what he was here for?
I couldn't get the QT out of my mind. The one that I tried hard to do in the morning, unsuccessfully. I read selections from Exodus (the golden calf story), Psalms, Proverbs... The words were great, but it wasn't hitting me. That is... the love of G-d wasn't hitting me. It felt so distant. I didn't feel G-d's favor on my life.
I quickly flipped my huge MacArthur Study Bible to Hebrews - that verse that's been plaguing me for the last several weeks - from Hebrews Chapter 4. It talked about how it was impossible to return from apostasy once you had tasted the benefits that G-d offered (this is my paraphrase, of course).
So... I talked. In the presence of these guys whom I'd only just met, I spoke my mind.
"You know... in this packet, on page 192, the end, where it's talking about Jesus' crucifixion, the dark moment he had, when he was crying out for G-d. To be honest, I don't quite get it and it's always been something I struggled to understand."
"The thing is, I feel the same way with G-d. I kind of feel like He's not there. Like, His favor is not with me. In that way, I think it's really interesting that Jesus could identify with that kind of longing."
"But the truth is, I've been in Korea for 1.5 years now, and before coming, I was pretty actively serving at my local church. I had a born again experience in college, when I put down my sin, and saw how G-d totally transformed my life into something better."
"Since coming to Korea, I've slowly fallen away. It all culminated with me being prodigal last semester - and I wasn't happy. I didn't feel joy in what I was doing. So, I'm trying to turn around, but the problem is - I don't feel G-d's favor. These doubts and questions continue to plague me."
----
Sean: "Yeah man... you know, I can totally relate because I've been there before. I know how dark it can get, but you gotta keep reminding yourself of those spiritual truths in the bible, those verses that can help you along the way. D'you know what I'm saying?"
-- "mmm.... yeah. Before, reciting "Power verses" was very helpful for me, too. But nowadays, I can't help but be skeptical. I keep hearing voices in my head, challenging me in my belief, saying, 'cmon, what are you... a neanderthal?' "
Pastor: "Well, you have to remember, the first time when you turned around, it wasn't you doing any of the work. Actually, it was G-d that was doing everything for you. You need to realize that you're not going to earn G-d's favor by trying to be good. So, you need to recall what happened the first time around you encountered Him. It wasn't you."
-- "Yeah, you're right. It wasn't me. In fact, I was stuck in many of the same bad habits even after I had felt G-d's love through Christ in my life back then. It wasn't until later that I was convicted to change my lifestyle a bit."
Danny: "Do you do a lot of reading? Cuz I can recommend some amazing books to feed your mind."
-- "Uhhh... I try to, but not really."
Danny: "Well, if you're up for it. I mean, it's not a Christian book or anything. My mom's Christian and my dad's Jewish, and I don't know where I am personally. But there's this book 'The Keys to Free Masonry'. Let me know if you want to read it."
-- "haha! I'm not sure about that. That sounds pretty dangerous - but thank you!"
Additional notes: It's totally ironic that in Korea of all places, I would experience the most multicultural bible study I've ever been a part of. I'm really glad to get to know these people.
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